common

i thought i was doing the right thing but i wasn't. what i thought was a cry for help was viewed as into sticking my nose into someone else's business. what's funny is, i was torn between "it's not my problem" and "you cared for this person, sound the alarm." it's why most people turn a blind eye. we're afraid of making a mistake, looking foolish, choosing the wrong action.

anyway, i was going to blahg about the whole thing because, although some would take pleasure in the pain of someone who hurt them, i found no vindication in this situation. i don't want to see anyone have problems because i would want the same empathy if the roles were reversed. i guess i'm glad i didn't get to the keyboard before the whole thing blewup. i would have felt even more foolish.

perhaps, that has been my problem for too long. i've always thought i could make a difference - that's why i volunteer at schools, donate my goods instead of having a garage sale, foster animals until i can find them a good home (i almost got thrown out of my apartment for that one). i'm trying to help but it doesn't seem to ever make a difference.

i struggle to keep my boundaries and self-respect but whenever i cross the line between what's good for me and what's good for someone else, i get burned. why should i care anymore if no one else does? why should i respond humanely when everyone around me is out for number one?

it's been said that you're remembered for the good things you've done but i don't see anyone celebrating Gandhi or Mother Theresa day. not that i compare myself to them but i try to do good deeds. obviously, to no prosperity in my own life.

logic says i shouldn't care but i still do. although, i think i may have learned my lesson during this last episode. unfortunately, people throw around words that mean a call to action but really it's smoke and mirrors to elicit a personal response in the moment - not a true cry for help. everything is exaggerated in this day and age. that's why we have faxes and cell phones. NOW, NOW, NOW. even if it's not a now.

hence, i build more walls to keep out the noise but it's really lonely here.