godsmack

i made the decision to extricate myself from myspace. i had deleted all my info and all my blogs. i wanted to disappear because it seemed easier than feeling scrutinized. but not long ago, i got a copy of all my blog posts in the mail. initially, i thought it was a petty resentment eventhough i wasn't even sure what was meant by it.

i wanted to add this to my list of "see-what-i-mean"s' however something stopped me:

"the penetrating glow of her smile coupled with the comforting sound of her laugh keeps my pain at bay."

i found it in a journal (the entry was not mine). it was then that i was able to look at how my mind was processing the whole thing. i was being negative. the person described in that quote (that would be me) was once an optimistic person. i was continuing a cycle of hurt and rejection. and it didn't have to be that way.

why did getting my posts in the mail have to mean something negative? maybe the person was being positive, especially since it was all of them, not just some that were specific to a certain subject. maybe, the person - who has always liked my writing - was signifying that i should continue to express myself. maybe there are gems in those posts - sentiment and poignancy, humanity and hilarity.

or maybe not. maybe it's something entirely different. my point is that i have a choice - i can use it to prove the worst or view it as gift. i think i've had enough of negativity (though it makes great angst for karaoke singing). i don't want to hate love anymore. not that i don't like cats and shawls but i think i'm still a little young for the old maid routine.