the mamas and the papas

Vagina Hands


A new nickname was not supposed to be the outcome of our conversation but, truth be told, i wasn't prepared for the conversation at all.

What's wonderful about my relationship with my daughter is that she feels free to query me about virtually anything. Mind you, I made certain that she had plenty of women in her life that she could talk to if she felt uncomfortable with telling me something but apparently our lines of communication are fairly intimate in her conciousness.

Let me back up. It started with the television drama, "House." In this particular episode, a five year old girl discovered how to "pleasure herself." Her mother thought she was having epileptic seizures but Dr. House clued her in on what an orgasm looked like (married with children, no orgasms, how sad). Jensen and I had a short conversation about masturbation (what it was and what happens when you do it - growing hair on your palms, going to hell, typical responses - just kidding).

Here's where it gets brilliant. Not one, not two, but three weeks later; she asks me why people do it. Like what's the point which told me that she hasn't had "stirrings" yet - a relief since she's only twelve and i'm just not ready for boys yet. But having to explain why you would want to handle your vagina is not a conversation I even remotely thought would be on the list.
I mean my parents talked so little about anything sexual that i just assumed that i would be hitting the majors like sex and babies. and let's be honest here, boys don't need any explanation. pretty early on their penises hit up against something and they like the feeling and it's on from there. maybe i'll take her horseback riding...

anyway, so i'm explaining how eventually she'll get the urges that come with puberty and that she'll probably want to touch herself and that everyone does eventually though some do earlier than others. here's where i put my foot in my mouth. i said that it wasn't abnormal for her to think it's weird because i myself hadn't started masturbating till i was in my LATE twenties.

mouth agape, "you masturabate?" well what was i supposed to say? i mean it's nothing to be ashamed of and if i acted otherwise then i would tinge the whole thing with a sordidness that i refuse to give to normal sexuality.

"yes, i masturbate. everyone does. boys more so than girls, but yes." then as we're finishing up the conversation and we arrive at her father's house, in my uncomfortability, i look for support from her father. "doesn't everyone masturbate?" i say to him.

"i don't."

that's right. he leaves me hanging out to dry. and then comes the moniker "vagina hands." i didn't have the werewithal to tell her that my fingers aren't nimble enough so i use a vibrator. after peals of laughter at my expense, her dad did eventually cop to it, which i think is why after a day or so she stopped calling me that and let me hug her with my "vagina hands."

motherhood is a mercurial business.