tears for fears

as i was going through old files and papers in an attempt to organize things, i had an epiphany. i realized how grateful i should be to my ex for not being romantic. there in my mess of things to file, scrapbook or throwaway was not a single billet-doux, printed e-mail or card to remind me of him. i'm not being sarcastic about this; i'm truly sincere. he made it easy to get over him because i had virtually nothing to remind me of him. and just as i thank a perfect stranger for holding the door for me, though it's probably out of habit; i too thank him for that, although it was unintentional.

of course i did have some stuff. after all, he worked in the hospitality industry so he reeived a lot of giveaways - tee-shirts, hats, product samples (ironically, one of the freebies was a book called "they call it a break-up because it's broken." it really helped!) but those things don't spur fond thoughts or memories.

i sent back any tems he left at my apartment, also a book i borrowed, and a science project that i bought for his son (i couldn't bear to throw them away, it seemed like a waste of money. a throwback from my mother's teachings). still there wasn't anything of him that i had to hide or shred so that i wouldn't be reduced to a torrent of tears. the reverse wouldn't be true for him, it would be a sisyphean effort to remove all the crap i'd given him over a year and half's time - books, cards, notes, dvds, cds, etc.

fortunately for him, those objects won't cause him any grief. he's not given to sentimentality after a love affair is over. and that's not a negative. i have quaffed many a glass of wine after the onset of that particular emotion. i wouldn't wish my overwrought sense of misery on anyone.

so, i here i am realizing that there is nothing left of us except memories. remembrances that are so completely overshadowed by duplicity and deceit that i doubt very much any of them have any validity whatsoever. and that has left me feeling grateful that it has taken little effort to exuviate my former life with him.