everclear

emptiness Becomes openness

i just returned from a barrio fair with my daughter. it was everything it shouldn't have been - small, rickety, dirty, cheap and sparse. it's mother's day and my daughter's birthday weekend and this is how it ended.

i didn't know how the weekend would go because right now, i'm tapped. it's nothing new. in fact, it doesn't even really concern me. only in the sense that i know it won't stay this way and i'm employed and i'm a firm believer in the circular nature of money. it comes and it goes. and when it goes, it will certainly come again. still that philosophy was hard won. and it's not particularly popular or even explainable to a 15 year old.

so, there would be no celebrations; no presents exchanged; no dinners or brunches. it was going to be a long haul till the next paycheck and there was no way around it. and to add insult to injury, i was selling cds at ameoba just to get some groceries for the week. it casts a pall over the weekend.

i know i shouldn't feel guilty. i know i should be strong. i know there is more to life then presents and money and whatever else there is that has a price tag. blah, blah, blah. can i step outside myself to find it? i couldn't. not today, not yesterday and certainly not friday (another miserable work day with miserable people who want to make you feel as miserable as they do).

and then i told someone. i told one person who has more vision and more instinct than anyone i've ever known. one person that for some unfathomable reason does not want to see me fall - and manages to steer me clear of the banana peel before i get to it. he knows that money can't buy happiness and there is more to life than... blah, blah, blah.

today he did something that had nothing to do with money. he wired money. a mother's day gift that is coincidentally a birthday gift because i had j on mother's day back in 1994.

neither one of us (j or me) felt anything about getting money at 6:30 pm on a Sunday. the weekend was over. we had already made do with what we had.

it is what it was.

still we picked the money up at ralph's. while we were there, j got her favorite snack - gold fish, i got cat food and gummy bears - tomorrow, gas. next stop - blockbuster.

and that's when we saw it. the fair. a barely visible, dimly-lit, old fair in North Hollywood park. j wanted to stop. i didn't want to, but i did.

it was chilly. the rides made me dizzy. and j definitely cheated on the slide race. we spent about $22 not counting the jamba juices. i told the jamba juice banana that i had the best kid in the world. and j agreed with him when he said she had a great mom. we were only there for an hour. and it was amazing.

it's mother's day and my daughter's birthday weekend and this is how it ended: sipping overpriced Jamba juices while walking back to our 15 yr-old car from a barrio fair laughing our brains out.

today, my friend gave me a chance to feel what life is really about not just know what it's about. that was the best gift i've gotten in years.